am I resistant to rest?

Written By Max Reilly

A cold winter morning on the outskirts of Gaya. Day two of my first water fast. The morning smog filled the plains making it too dangerous to drive our bikes. Bogged in our highway homestay, the waves of hunger and energy depletion hit our bodies.

Nothing to distract us. No windows. The intense bright, white lighting our only option to illuminate. Like we were sitting in an interrogation room, nobody spoke. Too tired to speak. Time passed by meditating wrapped in blankets. Sips of hot water staring at the blank room walls failing to insulate. Sounds of the number of cars roaring past indicated when was good to leave.

‘We are capable of so much more when we do less.’

The few words uttered from Jack as we pushed through that hard winter morning.

The assurance carried me through my biggest attachment. Three days without food.

Six months on they remain relevant.

We can access so much from a place of rest, yet I continue to resist.

I am guilty of grading my wellbeing with my productivity. The conditioning is deep.

‘How was your day?’

I reply with all the things I’d done that day rather than expressing a feeling. As if achieving a bigger list validates my response of ‘good’.

This mindset makes it hard to see rest without shame. It leads to cycles of burnout. Another tipping point experienced in March.

A commitment to rest

A 40-day sadhana is a habit-building yoga practice. It focuses on aspects of behaviour to boost or recalibrate. The first question in the design process is ‘what do you want to cultivate more of?’

My frustrated, burnt-out state craved energy. To have the capacity to do things again. These sadhanas are teaching me that the application can be the opposite to what I perceive.

Instead of creating a high-energy routine for me to push through, I prioritised rest. A 40-day block deciding to rest each day beyond my nightly sleep.

It was my second commitment to a rest sadhana. Its benefits are making me consider locking it in as every second 40-day sadhana.

Find my other sadhana reflection on love and kindness here.

Feedback loop

My last rest sadhana nursed me through Nepal and North India. Glowing from retreats, it started easy. Immersive teachings imprinted in my mind. As time passed, it became harder.

The change of environments challenged the mindfulness fitness. It required discipline to continue in different spaces.

I committed to an information detox at that time. Although there were benefits of reduced media consumption, I lost direction. This time I loaded up with books on rest to remain on track.

What is true rest?

My understanding of rest is evolving. What I say now could outdate by my next rest sadhana.

I’m learning that rest doesn’t always mean doing nothing. Integrating daily moments of true rest begins to embed it as a mindset. A repetitive practice to let go and surrender. Intentional structure for more to exist by doing less.

‘How much of life am I missing/napping from a place of exhaustion’ - Tricia Hersey - Rest is Resistance

Rest is finding more ways into my day. I’m becoming sensitive to the differences of rest or numbing out. A ten-minute scroll on socials versus a ten-minute yoga nidra or tech-free walk. Lying down or moving without the phone (or at least on airplane mode) is a game-changer.

A daily reset. Closing the tabs for fresh energy to meet the day.

Nidra Junkie

The backbone of my sadhana was yoga nidra. Referred to as ‘yogic sleep’, it’s a subtle state between sleep and wakefulness. The body falls asleep. The mind falls asleep. Awareness remains aware.

It takes time for the difference between this and a nap to reveal itself. In this second 40-day block, day 28 was my first confidence that I didn’t sleep. A handy tip from my teachers is to raise one arm on your elbow.

I noticed sleep improve from a 10-25 minute nidra practice each day. Habitual resting has helped me apply this to activities. The main learnings: doing less, and one thing at a time.

Reprogramming

Rest sadhanas have only been in 80 days of my 28-year life. There is a lot to learn and rewire.

I notice I still see rest connect to my productivity. The 40 days gave space to prioritise more meaningful things. To do them from a place of clarity.

Maybe by the next rest cycle this expands. I find greater value in the glimpses it showed me. Presence in connection. The length of a hug. The feeling of a breeze. The smell of rain. The trust of rest to guide me and regulate my nervous system. My ability to accept and let go.

Practice takes time.

Rest resources

If you’re still here, a question for you:

‘how can I be here from a place of rest?’

Resources that helped me for the 40 days:

Max Reilly https://maxysmoments.com
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Empty Transits